I don't know where I am

I'm in this place, this middle-ground, where I'm trying to balance being 100% me and trying to figure out where I am as a painter. A "painter". An "artist". I think I gave up on the idea of trying to paint and change the world a little over a year ago. But now I'm back.. still a little skeptical about where I want to take this (whatever this is). When I was starting to get into my groove, I was looking at works from Rothko, Still, Newman.. and a lot of the '50s New Yorkers and I was so inspired by their work. I used to go to New York just to go to MoMA and sit in front of Rothko. I can't even remember the last time I went to MoMA.

I guess I'm not the only one here, right? Wanting to be somewhere, but a little unsure of where that is.. but it's on the tip of your tongue. You know, you can almost taste it, to the point where your insides are shaking just thinking about all of the possibilities this feeling can lead you. Or maybe you know where that place is.. it's just a little out of reach, but maybe if you stand on your tippy toes, you can grab it.

I'm at this point in my life where I have to think about my future. I refuse to just live and let live. For the moment, yes, but it's not my nature to not have a goal, a plan. I have a mere one year before I graduate. At the end of that year, where will I be? Jobless with a degree from one of the finest painting departments in the country? I wonder if the detour I took a year ago is still a path I can follow. And I wonder if certain people (a certain man) will be there to walk with me and be in my decision making.

Growing up. When did it start getting so serious? It's all too serious.

Let's just play.


Barnett Newman
Vir Heroicus Sublimis