January 04, 2011

In high school, I very casually dated this guy, Gulley. People that I went to high school with will know his first name, but I will keep it from the rest of you. I think I kept it a secret from nearly everyone, not because I was ashamed, but because he was having sex with two girls that were two years older than I was.

I know that sounds weird, but it didn't bother me because I was clearly his favorite. It sounds sort of misogynistic to "allow" myself to be one of many to a boy, but it wasn't like that. Gulley and I never had sexytime. The whole thing was such an emotional and mental connection. We'd talk on the phone for hours and hours every day and spent endless hours in my car, talking, driving, making out.. etc.

There were instances when he'd tell me he was hanging out with one of the sex girls and I'd coordinate to play after. We'd talk about how they didn't know they were both having sex with him and how funny it was for him to play them that way. One time, his mom called one of them Tammy. I think after a while, we stopped having any sort of physical relationship because that's not what we wanted from each other. I just wanted to hang out with him. And I think it's that moment that I realized that my really intensely strong relationships with boys doesn't come from a physical attraction, but something else.. which is why I have so many guy friends that I don't have any sexual tension with. I'm that girl that you talk football with or talk about getting really high or girls vagina's and stuff.

A huge part of his and my relationship was talking about our future. He was the running back at the school and I'd push him to play harder and write him notes on gameday and yell at him from the bleachers (or on top of my box) to run. We were going to go to Miami. And by "we", I mean he. He would never really be able to get there, but we dreamt. He was a diehard Hurricane's fan and I'd spend Saturdays watching games with him or with him on the phone. Willis McGahee was the RB back then whom he loved. Right now, McGahee is in Baltimore, playing for the Raven's. At the game a couple weeks ago I kept yelling, "RUN WILLIS!" and couldn't help but think of Gulley. I watched McGahee play when he was at Miami and since then have been slacking on watching college ball and NFL. McGahee was also out of the game early because he hurt his ankle/foot and I wanted to yell at him to suck it up because Gulley used to pretend that his ankle was hurt when he was tired. Watching him play brought back all of this nostalgia and feelings that were once so familiar. I could smell Gulley's house. It was such a weird moment.

We made this stuffed bear at Build-A-Bear in 2004. He named it Gummy, a hybrid of Gulley and Tammy. I recently found it and have no idea what to do with it. I really don't know what happened to our friendship. He dated someone I used to be really close to (and might've introduced them, I'm not quite sure) and from then it's just a big blur. Should we count how many times I've lost a guy friend because they got girlfriends? I don't have enough hands.

I found this letter from him:


Hey, well I was at my homies house and I seen O'Ryan's belt & thought of you. Tammy I'm sorry I pushed you away and may have ruined a special friendship between us. I wanted you to call me so I can tell you I'm sorry for it & I wanted to become one again. But when you didn't call I figured you didn't care no more. Well I do. You are probably the best thing to happen to me but my dumbass still pushed you away. I need you. I really do and I'm sorry for ruining it. I'd like for us to become best friends again but if you can't see it happening then it's ok. Well just think about it. And remember if you leave me or I leave you you'll still be a part of my life, soul & heart.

(First name)

And at the end of all of his letters, he always drew the Miami U.

I know I've mended things with him since the letter, because I can remember a time in my freshman dorm talking to him on the phone and him telling me how proud he was of me. I went where I wanted to go.. while he didn't. I've been considering calling the number I have in my phone but doubt it would reach him. He never had a cell phone, but then again.. this is 4+ years later. Then I wonder if I should leave things be--him as a memory of one of the first true boy-girl relationships that I will remember forever. I don't want my memory of him to be tainted by whatever he is currently. We're both different people now, we have to be.