June 09, 2009

I used to dish out my heart and soul on this thing, but I feel a bit guarded and feel that I have to censor what I have in my head. At first, it was a diary to keep and for close ones to read.. but now complete strangers read this and I feel that too much of me is revealed. But I still feel the need to entertain those individuals still visiting on a regular bases, thus my pointless YouTube videos and disgusting food items. Why do people keep coming back here? What kind of person do you think I am? You don't know me at all.

Strange is life. More and more, I feel a drift between people that were so dear to me. Not because either of us are bad friends, but because our lives are different and we'd like different things from each other. Chris doesn't return my phone calls, though I know he is back in the area. Perhaps it is because of the company I have at my side, or for the mere fact that I have become "boring". No longer are there nights 'til 4am. My apartment is no longer hospitable because of its size. I don't have a two story apartment anymore, but a small studio. Therefore, there are no more nights where dozens of people come over for dinner or to hang out. I am no longer the person to call because I naturally have large gatherings of people. But also, geographically, we are all apart. There are people in New York, people in Ohio.. and everyone seems to be moving to Charles Village which is no longer a walk up the alley to my back door.

When Beth and I moved into our apartment together, we told each other that we weren't going to leave this place any time soon, and could see ourselves there for the rest of our stay at MICA. Ha. It's strange that we don't even speak or even bother with small talk when in each other's presence. And her boyfriend, whom I regarded as a close friend in the early stages of our friendship, is someone I cannot bare to even look at. Not only do I feel disdain for his shadyness, but it's difficult because inside I still love him as a friend, at least I want to. I saw such a good person in him and to see that completely disappear crushed me. Somewhere, someday, I want to take a late night drive to no where and discuss the current situations of our life. But that will never happen. Never.

This is not to say that my life is boring, because it is far from it. I know some amazing people and have an amazing man by my side every day. My adventures thus far have been endless and I see no end to them. Kristin and Matt have become another home. Sometimes, I still can't believe that this is the life I lead.

This conversation with myself seems to be going no where.

I cannot relish in the past, because the past is no more. I cannot hope when hope is lost. But I will love those I've loved, because love does not dissipate. One can hate with love and love with hate, but it never goes away. I've called it "love" when it was not, but love like I know now..