Here's the deal

October 04, 2009

I haven't been around because I have more important things to do/think about.

I just moved to a beautiful one bedroom apartment and am setting up house which is taking a lot longer than I hoped.

My grandmother just passed away on Thursday and it is devastating to my soul. To make matters worse, my family does not want me to fly over (which I have done for every death in the family in the last 3 years) because they know my workload is heavy. After crying for days and begging them to let me come, they told me the decision was up to me. The funeral was supposed to be on Monday but has been pushed back to Wednesday because Rose Hills is completely booked. Though I want to be there with all my heart and soul, I cannot miss my Wednesday and Thursday class this week. I wish SO MUCH that it was on Monday so I can be there Sunday-Monday-Tuesday. Either way, I lack closure and I know this death is going to be very hard for more than this reason.

I spoke to the Dude's mother today about my situation and she expressed a similar story. Her mother passed away and she was at school. It was two weeks before school ended which means tons of exams and finals. Her father made her stay at school and it was really hard for her to deal with.

Is death cliche to speak of? I mean, is it so redundant where we don't talk about how heartbreaking it is? People are dying all the time, but I feel like people don't take the end of someone's life, the no-longer-existing-on-this-earth thing too lightly. Or maybe people take it the way I am. I don't know. But I fucking hate it when people die. I hate it. Maybe that's why I stopped going to church. After my grandmother passed away my junior year, I couldn't deal with it. I hated Him.

My mom told me to stop crying. She demanded that I stop crying. "She's more comfortable and in a better place. She was suffering before and now she has no pain. There's no reason to cry." I will cry because I am sad. I will cry because I am frustrated. I will cry because I am stressed out.

I guess I'm also upset because this is my last grandparent, which means my parents are next. I don't know what I will do then, maybe I will have sorted out my feelings better by then, but it's so hard for me to grasp that my parents don't have their mommy's and daddy's anymore. The people the raised them and nurtured them and loved them. The people that taught them how to walk and talk. The people that loved them even when they were being assholes.

A mother and father's love is something we (we as young adults without children) will never understand because it's an impossible love. I know that a lot of people don't have the loving mother and father that I speak of, but most of the people that read this do.

Remember that time you got caught with a lot of weed in your car? How upset they must've been. But they love you the same.

Or remember that time you told them you hated them and you actually pushed? How that must've broken a heart. But they love you the same today.

Haha remember that time you came home with your tongue pierced and they freaked the fuck out? Yeah, but they still love you the same.

A parent's love is like no love. Family love is like no love. And to not be there? to love my family in such a sad time? Is heartbreaking.

I am heartbroken.