March 31, 2010

Sometimes, I feel like religious people are much more serene/at peace with themselves and the world. Let me rephrase: Sometimes, I feel that people with a strong sense of spirituality are more at peace with themselves and the world.

Up until 2005, I was very religious. I wasn't dragged to church by my parents, but willingly went and loved every moment of it. Looking back, I feel like my life was more peaceful. Everything was like the moment the sunrises and the sky turns from grey to orange--quiet and calm. You know that smell in the morning? The quiet smell. The morning-dew smell. The new-air-people-have-yet-to-breath smell. That's what I feel like my life was.

Or maybe it was as easy as, "I left everything up to God, so I had no worries." I have this heart monitor on because I have been passing out sporadically, but I honestly don't think it's a heart condition. I think it's stress. Obviously, I'm older and actually have things to worry about.. but would I be this stressed out if I had a constant to rely on? Someone I could talk to in my head. I have great family and a sprinkling of friends I can count on, but what about someone that never judges me and is always there for me? Where is my peace?

Why did I leave my church? I ask myself that all the time. I think it was a combination of my life falling to pieces and me feeling like God wasn't there to pick shit up and tape it back together. So many things were going on and The Big Guy was letting me down. That's the moment you're "supposed to be" even stronger in your faith, that's the moment you're supposed to say, "Shit, he's probably busy. Don't be so selfish. Suck it up and press on." Instead, I left.

I spend most of my free time at church, whether it was Bible study on Wednesday and Fridays or band practice Friday-Sunday.. or even just hanging out there because most of my friends went to my church.. I left it all. What does that say about me?

I try and go back when I'm home, but I feel like people look at me as this gigantic failure. Especially when my old pastor looks at me. I'm almost embarrassed to even be seen by him. He has known me in my worst moments, in my sweatiest (haha), in my most vulnerable.

I don't live an outlandish life. I don't party hardy and I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't have promiscuous sex. I have the utmost respect for life and my family and this world. I love life and people and living. I'm good to people and people are good to me. I work hard..

The list can go on and on.

When I'm home, my Uncle tries to come over at least once to pray for me. He and I sit in my living room. He holds my hand and he prays. He prays for whatever is going on in my life, but he never fails to mention how he hopes for me to "return to You" the way I used to be. When I was younger.

I think more than falling back in love with God, I just want to be at peace in my own life. I may seem all calm and composed all the time, but sometimes I'm freaking out.

Maybe I just need to hit the gym. Now that I have the O.K. from the Doc, I can burn off my stress.