1 & 2

July 09, 2009

Do you know who you are? Because I think I do.. but when I reallly think about it, I don't think I do. But not in the sense that I don't know what KIND of person I am, because I think I'm quite aware of that, but in the sense that I don't really know what I want for my future.

Tammy #1 wants to be a working girl living in New York, traveling and meeting tons of people. She wants to make her own art work and live off of that money, barely making by, yet comfortable. And by "barely making by" I mean splurging on handbags and sunglasses and travel tickets and the most delicious food and an expensive loft on the east side. She wants to be free and independent, able to pack up and head to Darfur to help pass out second hand shoes to kids and give the little money she has left to helping build wells in small villages. She wants to have men at the press of a button, but never obligated to any man but her father and brother. She wants to be bicoastal, traveling from her parents L.A. home and her own N.Y. loft. She wants to have lunch at Pastis with Beau and jump from opening to opening and party to party. She wants to live.

Tammy #2 wants a slower life. She wants to spend weekends gardening, cooking and painting in her spanish style home overlooking the Reservoir in Silverlake. She wants to be happily attached to the man of her dreams and have lots of babies. While being a stay-at-home-mother, she wants to be avidly involved in her children's lives and continue making her own work, in pursuit of being "an artist". She wants to visit galleries and museums in the afternoon and have lunch in Los Feliz with her dearest of friends. The evenings consist of picking up the kids, taking them to their after school activities, and making dinner for her family. She wants to tuck them in and spend the rest of the evening with the man she loves, looking into his eyes while he plays in the computer and she reads a book. She wants to wake up in the morning knowing that it's all worth it. That he's worth it.

So which one? Do I have to choose? Does it need to be one or the other. How do I make the two into one life.