"I shouldn't like it, but I love it."

November 23, 2009

Why is it that we are even more excited about our work when we get extremely positive feedback from our teachers? And less encouraged when it is not supported? Is it the notion of it being a success? He/she likes it therefore it is successful. And only when someone likes it is it successful.

I don't know, but I am on cloud nine because my crit went so extremely well. I think anyone would love to hear that you're teachers were in your studio talking about your work while you were not there. Phrases like, "seductive" and "not kitchy" and "not funny" and "graceful" and "traditional American painting" and "updated" and "UGLY" and "beautiful".

I am really self-conscious about my work because it's really personal, but I guess anyone and everyone can say that about their work. But it is to the point where I will not show it, which is something I am trying to overcome. I guess I am surprised when I hear positive words about my work because I am constantly second-guessing myself, which is something Ken told me not to do.

Gaia and I were talking about impulsiveness driven by infatuation. Obsession. Madness. It's weird because in life, impulse seems to lead to destruction. A classic example would be Romeo. His impulsiveness led to his tragedy and we all know how that story ended. I find my emotions reacting on impulse all the time. I mean, ask The Dude. I'll tell him that I hate him (which I do) and give him an outrageous moment because my emotions are reacting to a situation without thought, without a pause. But I feel that in my painting I rely on my impulse. When I stop and think too much, it slows my painting down and is, to me, less successful. I think this obsession with my painting leads to my impulsive decision which I am completely supportive of. The haphazardness is what I love.

Then why don't I love that in life? Haphazardness is always so dangerous.

Ken says I can't stop. I should keep moving forward. "It's beautiful and it's ugly. I shouldn't like it, but I love it."

I'm terrified.